Boundaries Are Not One Size Fits All
Culture plays a large role in what counts as a healthy boundary.
Boundaries come up constantly in therapy. You have probably also come across the topic on social media, where it tends to arrive with a lot of confidence and very little nuance.
So what is a boundary?
Boundaries can be described as a line or separation we humans keep between each other for our emotional, mental, and relational health. They are invisible lines, almost like rules in relationships that we adhere to and generally do not cross. We often do not know why they are there or how they got there, but we understand that they shape our behavior and our decisions with people, family, workplaces, and systems.
Boundaries are the unspoken rules that were never clearly defined, the ones we are told are "just the way it is." Sometimes we do not know we crossed one until someone tells us they are uncomfortable. In the families we are born into, the boundaries are already there, and people along the way informed us of the rules and taught us our limits.
How Boundaries Work in Families
Boundaries influence a person's behavior and the information that moves in and out of a family system.
Some families have very open boundaries, where members and outsiders come and go without much limitation. In other families there are tight controls on where people go and who may be brought into the family. In more closed families, the rules dictate what may be discussed and with whom. In more open families, information flows more freely.
Why Western Boundary Advice Does Not Always Fit
As a therapist who grew up and was educated within the dominant American culture, my early training was shaped by Western and European psychology.
In Western culture, boundary setting is emphasized as essential to healthy relationships. That framing was built within an individualistic context: focused on the self, with little feedback from family.
In collectivist cultures, boundaries may not be so clearly defined. Family members make decisions as a unit rather than for the individual self. The concept itself may be vague or completely foreign. What is a boundary, anyway? That question rang true for me, for my clients, and for the BIPOC people I have worked and lived alongside.
In collectivist cultures, loyalty, family, and sacrifice are the values. Creating a boundary that shifts toward independence can be seen as entitled or rude, and people are often treated accordingly.
Who Decides What a Healthy Boundary Is?
Many of the BIPOC clients who come to me have described struggling to connect with a dominant-culture therapist because of differing cultural worldviews, and how that showed up in session. The differences surfaced most sharply around enforcing boundaries and understanding family communication patterns.
These clients arrived motivated and ready to improve their family dynamics, and were encouraged instead to seek independence, set strict boundaries, and spend less time with family. For some, that advice was in direct conflict with their values and their upbringing. They felt misunderstood and pressured to adopt a Western ideal of boundary setting and apply it to their own families.
Some came away believing their families were damaged or dysfunctional. They were told their families were too enmeshed, and in some cases that they should sever relationships.
My BIPOC clients needed loving reminders that their family dynamics, roles, and interactions are not pathological in a collectivist culture. Finding a culturally responsive therapist can be a stressful and at times harmful experience when the fit is wrong.
What This Looks Like in Practice
My clients of Latinx origin have described the intense stress of setting boundaries that their family system did not accept.
Some were discouraged from moving out and attending college when they were accepted to an out-of-state school. The boundary at stake was the client making an individual decision about their own future, and it was not well received, because it conflicted directly with the family value of staying close.
In the dominant culture, leaving for college at eighteen is unremarkable. In some Latinx families, honoring your family and holding pride and strength as a family unit matters more.
Creating and implementing boundaries can be threatening, may not be tolerated, or may simply not be an option. My Latinx clients were encouraged, and sometimes guilted, into making a college decision in the best interest of the family: staying close to home and caring for family members alongside their own lives. It was rarely stated outright. It was understood that children do not leave their family for individual pursuits.
Rather than bringing families closer, the boundaries they had been advised to set created more conflict and more distance.
With time and deep work, these clients came to understand that sacrificing some personal needs for the family was not inherently unhealthy. The desire to take care of others is not people-pleasing, and it is not a sign of being controlled or of a dysfunctional relationship. It is a cultural value.
Building flexible boundaries, and finding a balance between the family's values and their own needs, created a sense of pride and happiness for both the client and the family.
When Family Roles Are the Real Boundary
Depending on acculturation, whether someone was born in the United States or in their country of origin, the language spoken at home, and the community around them, BIPOC family needs and boundaries are nuanced and cannot be generalized. Some families do not even use the word boundaries to talk about needs and limits.
Family systems tend to work to keep everyone in the roles they have been playing, consciously or not: the strong child, the dramatic child, the black sheep, the fun and perfect parent.
The Disney film Encanto does a particularly good job of showing these roles in action. It is worth watching to see whether any of the characters, and the roles they carry, resonate with you.
Trying to change your role can be extremely challenging, even when you believe it is for the best, because it forces the whole system to shift with you. Setting boundaries with family can also trigger deep fears of abandonment, rejection, and conflict, along with real consequences for you and for them.
Flexible Boundaries: A Different Approach
Most family members do not respond well to a boundary at first. It is often met with suspicion and confusion. They may not be ready for sudden change, and starting with something flexible tends to work better than starting with something absolute.
A flexible boundary might look like this. There is a family gathering you feel obligated to attend and do not want to go to. Rather than declining, you arrive later, or you give yourself a time limit. You still spend time with your family, and you still protect your space and honor your own need.
You can also set a boundary with yourself. Sometimes that is the only way forward when people are unwilling to hear you out. If your boundaries are being dismissed, setting one with yourself might mean spending somewhat less time with that family member, without cutting them off. It also signals that you are committed to taking care of your needs.
Be patient with yourself, and stay both committed and flexible. Boundary setting can be painful and lonely when family brushes your needs aside. There are also times when family members do see how much a boundary matters to you, and it moves them enough to change.
Boundaries can feel like a dance with missteps and awkwardness in it. With time, families can find a rhythm that works for everyone. You can balance your cultural and individual needs. A boundary can be a bridge to connection rather than a gate that keeps people out.
When a Firm Boundary Is Necessary
Everything above assumes a family where flexibility is safe and worth extending. That is not every family.
Where there is abuse or violence, a firm boundary is not only appropriate, it is necessary, and the guidance about flexibility does not apply. Some families are not able to support any shift in the system at all. Part of this work is discerning what is genuinely safe, realistic, and aligned with your values, and that assessment belongs to you rather than to anyone advising you from the outside.
If that is your situation, working with a therapist directly is far more useful than any blog post, including this one.
Common Conflicts You Might Recognize
Clients often describe wanting to make changes and introduce boundaries without knowing how to begin. This list is not exhaustive and may not fit your situation, but these internal conflicts come up repeatedly:
Feeling taken advantage of financially, emotionally, or sometimes physically
Saying yes to please other family members
Fear of conflict, and fear of saying no
Fear of family rejection or abandonment
Doing things that feel uncomfortable for the sake of getting along
Being seen as disrespectful or disloyal
Not upholding cultural ways of being
Difficulty raising a need with an authority figure
Guilt for having individual needs or desires
BIPOC family dynamics are rooted in culture. Families have their own way of seeing and doing things.
How to Set a Boundary That Fits Your Culture
Communicating a need that changes a family system is difficult for some people and much harder for others. Boundary setting involves communication, tone, context, cultural norms, nuance, and delivery, and there are considerate ways to express one without leaving a family member feeling dismissed.
Think through what you actually want to accomplish
Use your personal and cultural values as the guide
Recognize that different relationships may need different boundaries
Evaluate the relationship honestly
Expect that it takes practice and patience
Speak up respectfully and specifically
Notice what shifts, and be prepared to hold your ground
A common fear is what happens when a boundary is not respected, which is common in collectivist families. It often helps to remind the people you love that you love them as you set it. You can be gentle and assertive at the same time: "I really care for you and want to be there, but I can't make it to dinner this time." You can also set a time limit around a request, or delay when it starts.
Done this way, boundaries tend to:
Increase your self-esteem
Build deeper connection with the family member
Make future difficult conversations less frightening
Leave you feeling more empowered
Give you permission to take care of yourself
How to Find a Culturally Responsive Therapist
If you are struggling to introduce boundaries within a cultural context, it matters that your therapist practices with cultural humility.
Questions worth asking before you start:
Have you worked with Latinx, Black, Asian, or Indigenous clients?
Do you have advanced training or cultural competency in mental health?
Do you speak my language, or would we need an interpreter?
No question is too small to ask. You deserve to feel heard and to have every part of your identity and your cultural values accepted.
Getting Support
Viewing boundaries through a wider, culturally inclusive lens helps us move away from the dominant culture's definition of a healthy one. Only you can define what a healthy boundary is for you.
If you are considering changes in your relationships, it helps to ask what a boundary means to you, and how it would affect you and the people around you in the context of your values. What is the priority right now: the collective, your cultural values, or your individual needs? How do you want to hold all three?
Ready to dive deep and reevaluate your boundaries? Book a free consultation with me below.
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No. Wanting some separation between your own needs and your family's is not a betrayal of your culture, and it does not mean your family is dysfunctional. What often needs adjusting is the shape of the boundary rather than the desire for one. Western therapy tends to frame boundaries as independence and distance, which is one version among several, not the definition.
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A boundary that protects your needs without requiring a confrontation or a refusal. Arriving late to a gathering rather than skipping it, setting a time limit on a visit, or deciding privately to spend somewhat less time with someone are all flexible boundaries. They tend to work better in families where an absolute boundary would be met with suspicion, and they give the system time to adjust.
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Ask directly before you start. Whether they have worked with clients from your background, whether they have cultural competency in mental health, and whether they speak your language are all fair questions in a consultation. A therapist who treats those questions as reasonable is usually a better sign than any credential listed on a website.
