Boundaries are not a one size fits all
What is a healthy boundary?
Culture plays a large role in what is considered a healthy boundary.
Boundaries is a topic that often comes up in therapy with many of my clients. You may have come across this trendy topic on social media too. So, what is a boundary? Boundaries can be described as a line or separation us humans have between each other for our emotional, mental and relationship health. They are those invisible lines, almost like rules in relationships we adhere to and generally don’t cross. We don’t know why they’re there, how they got there, but somehow understand that it shapes our behaviors and decisions when engaging with people, family, workplace relationships and systems. Boundaries are those unspoken rules that aren’t clearly defined, and we are told “it’s just the way it is”. Sometimes we don’t know if we crossed a boundary or “messed up” until someone verbalizes their discomfort to us. Like in many families that we are born into, the boundaries are there and people along the way have informed us and guided us to follow those rules and to know our limits.
Boundaries also influence a person’s behavior and the information that moves in and out of its family system. Some families have very open boundaries where family members and others are allowed to come and go without much limitation; in other families, there are tight controls on where they can go and who may be brought into the family system. In more closed families, the rules dictate what information may be discussed and with whom. In contrast, information may flow more freely in families that have more open boundaries.
As a therapist having grown up and having been educated within the dominant American culture, my early training was influenced by Western and European psychology. In Western culture, setting boundaries was emphasized as an important factor in developing healthy relationships. Setting boundaries was often created within an individualistic cultural context, focusing on the self with little feedback from family. However, for collectivist cultures, boundaries may not be so clearly defined, and family members make decisions as a whole unit, not for the individual self or an individual’s needs. The concept of boundaries or the meaning of boundaries in non-western culture may be vague or completely foreign. What is a boundary anyway? That question rang true for me, clients and BIPOC I worked and lived alongside with. In collectivist cultures loyalty, family and sacrifice are cultural values; to create a boundary shifting towards more independence could be viewed as entitled, rude and persons are treated as such.
Who defines what a healthy boundary is?
For BIPOC folks that come to me for therapy, many have informed me about how they struggled connecting with a dominant-culture therapist due to differing cultural worldviews and how that presented itself in the therapy session. The cultural differences came into play specifically when it came to enforcing boundaries and understanding family communication patterns. Motivated and ready for therapy, clients were ready to dive deep into improving family dynamics only to be encouraged to seek independence, set strict boundaries, and spend less time with family. For some clients this recommendation came in direct conflict with their cultural values and upbringing. Clients felt misunderstood and pressured to take on the Western ideal of boundary setting and apply it to their own families. Sadly, some BIPOC clients believed their families were damaged, dysfunctional and were told their families were too enmeshed with one another and to even sever some relationships. My BIPOC clients needed loving reminders that their family dynamics, family roles and interactions are not pathological in a collectivist culture; however as noted earlier therapy can be problematic depending on who a client works with. Finding a culturally competent therapist was a stressful and times harmful experience if it was not the right fit.
My clients of Latinx origins expressed that setting boundaries created intense stress and it was not accepted within their family system. For instance, some of my Latinx clients were discouraged by family to move out and go to college if they were accepted into an out of state school. Creating a boundary around the client making the individual decision regarding their future was not well received. That boundary was in direct conflict of the family’s cultural values to stay close to maintain family closeness. In the dominant culture, going to college at eighteen years old is common, but in some Latinx families honoring your family, having pride and strength as a family is more important.
Creating and implementing boundaries can be threatening, might not be tolerated by the family or just might not be an option. My Latinx clients were encouraged or were guilted into making a college decision in the best interest of the family, staying close to home and caring for family members in addition to caring for their own lives. Although it was not explicitly stated, it was understood and implied that children don’t leave their family for their individual pursuits. Instead of improving family dynamics and bringing families closer together, boundaries created more conflict and disconnect within the family. With time and deep introspective work, my clients learned that sacrificing their own personal needs for the needs of the family was not something that was unhealthy. The desire to take care of others is not people pleasing, a sign of being controlled nor a sign of a dysfunctional relationship—it is a cultural value and norm. With the help of creating flexible boundaries, striking a balance between their family’s cultural values and their individuals needs created a sense of pride and happiness for my client and their family members.
Three women of color smiling, standing and leaning into each other.
BIPOC family dynamics are rooted in their culture and families have their own way of seeing and doing things.
Depending on level of acculturation, whether the individual was born in the states of their country of origin, language spoken, community and relationship dynamics; addressing BIPOC family needs and boundaries are nuanced and cannot be generalized. Some families don’t even use the word boundaries to discuss needs and limits.
Family systems work to keep everyone in their traditional roles they’ve been consciously or unconsciously playing. Some of those roles could look like the strong child, the dramatic child, the black sheep of the family or the fun, perfect parent. A great example of the roles that family members play is well done in the Disney movie, “Encanto”. I recommend you give it a watch and see if any of the characters and the roles they play within their family resonate with you.
Trying to change your role in the family can be extremely challenging even if you think it’s for the best; making those changes perhaps can force the family system to shift and change with you. Keep in mind that setting boundaries with family can also trigger deep fears about abandonment, rejection, conflict and subtle or extreme consequences for yourself and family.
Initially most family members do not respond well to boundaries and can be received with suspicion and confusion. They may not be ready for any sudden changes and gradually starting with a flexible boundary may be more beneficial. A flexible boundary could look like: if you have a family get together and feel obligated to be there (and you don’t want to go), you might arrive a little later or give yourself a time limit. You would still spend time with your family, but you can still protect your space, honor your need, and prioritize your emotional wellbeing. Sometimes setting limits or boundaries with yourself is the only way to move forward if people are unwilling to hear you out or work with you. If you find that your boundaries are being dismissed, one way to set a boundary with yourself might be to spend a little less time (not cutting them off) with said family member. Setting a boundary with yourself can also send a message to your family members that you are committed to taking care of your needs.
Be patient with yourself and stay committed and flexible. Boundary setting can be painful and lonely when family brushes off your needs. There are times when family members do see how important your boundaries are to you and it can impact them enough to change.
Boundaries can also feel like a fine dance, where you have missteps and awkwardness, but with time families can dance step in step and get into a rhythm that works for all. You can balance your cultural and individual needs within your family; boundaries can be a bridge to connection, it doesn’t have to be about gatekeeping and keeping people out. There are some families who are not supportive of boundaries or shifts within the family system; you will need to discern what is safe, realistic, and aligned with your values. It’s important to emphasize that there are situations that may include toxic abuse and violence where boundaries are not only appropriate, but necessary.
How can boundaries help me?
Viewing boundaries from a wider, culturally inclusive lens helps us steer away from using the dominant culture’s perspective of a healthy boundary. Only you can define what a healthy boundary is and what that will look like for yourself and with relating to others in your life. If you’re thinking about making some boundary changes in your relationships, it may help to ask yourself what a boundary means to you and how it could impact you and your relationships in the context of your cultural values. What is priority for you at this moment, the collective, cultural values, or your individual needs? How would you like to incorporate that in your growth and mental wellness journey? These are discussions you can have with a trusted friend or family member or a licensed therapist for added support. How are you feeling about your family when it comes to decisions, expressing your needs or feelings around family members? Some clients I have worked with expressed commonalities around their family relationships, having that desire to make changes and introduce boundaries, but didn’t know how to move forward. This is not an exhaustive list and may not apply to your situation, but common internal conflicts that were shared are below:
feeling taken advantage of financially, emotionally, or sometimes physically
saying yes to please other family members
fear of conflict and saying no
fear of family rejection or abandonment
engaging in behaviors that were uncomfortable for the sake of getting along
being viewed as disrespectful and not loyal
not upholding cultural ways of being
difficulty addressing needs to an authority figure
experiencing guilt for having individual needs or desires
How do I set boundaries?
Communicating needs that can introduce changing family systems is difficult for some and even more for others. If you want to move forward, consider what boundary setting involves. It involves communication, tone, context, cultural norms, nuance, and delivery; there are considerate ways to express a boundary without making your family member feel dismissed or rejected.
Think through what you want to accomplish by setting boundaries
Use your personal and cultural values as a guide
Recognize that different relationships may require different boundaries
Evaluate your relationships
Realize that it takes practice and patience
Respectfully speak up to express yourself
Notice any relationship changes, you may have to hold your ground
There are numerous benefits to setting boundaries in your relationships. It can help you to:
Increase your self-esteem
Build a deeper connection with your family member
Feel less anxious when having future courageous conversations
Feel more empowered
have self-compassion by giving yourself permission to take care of yourself
A commonly held fear is what happens if a boundary is not respected, which can be common in a collectivist culture. It may be important to remind the special people in your life that you love them even as you set boundaries. You can gently and assertively share your boundary. One example of this could be “I really care for you and want to be there, but I can’t make it to the dinner this time”. Setting boundaries doesn’t have to be rude or disrespectful; you can set time limits around the request or delay when to start the request too.
Remember that boundaries can be about protecting and strengthening the relationship as the reason for the boundary, it doesn’t have to be about keeping people out or a reason to avoid or dismiss people in your life.
If you find yourself struggling with introducing boundaries within a cultural context, it is important to find a therapist that has cultural humility and incorporates culturally competent practices in their work. Find out if your therapist hast treated Latinx, Black, Asian or indigenous people, if they have advanced training in cultural mental health, if they speak your language or do they need an interpreter. No question is too silly to ask, you deserve to feel heard and have all aspects of your identity and cultural values accepted.
Best of luck in your boundaries journey!
Ready to dive deep and reevaluate your boundaries? Book a free consultation with me below.
